Galatians 6:4-5

“Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct”

Are you struggling to find contentment in a culture of comparison?  Is your life not measuring up to “Pinterest-worthy” living?  If you can relate, you are not alone! Millions of people struggle with this destructive temptation to compare. But constantly comparing yourself to others steals your joy and can hinder you from finding God’s design for your life.  In the last few years there has been a dramatic increase in the number of Christians experiencing depression and anxiety due to their constant checking of Facebook and other social-networking media. The constant bombardment of “happy” pictures, status updates, and videos has given us a new word in the English vocabulary, FOMO, the fear of missing out. The Oxford English Dictionary describes this as “Anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on a social media website.” Viewing the lives others are living is often translated into an inadequacy in our own lives. Or worse, we begin to wish we could be somewhere else or even more deadly be someone else. It causes us to live in fear instead of freedom. So much time is wasted fearing what we are missing that we don’t see the blessings that exist right in front of us. We trade real life for a fantasy. I will never forget a speaker at a conference showing us a beautiful picture of his family taken on their vacation. It looked like the family all of us would want but while a picture can paint a thousand words it also often leaves some out. He went on to share the truth behind the picture that his family were fighting with each other before the picture was taken and after. They had just stopped to posed long enough to give the impression of a fun-loving family. Sometimes what we see and long for is a fake! We can spend so much time converting other peoples lives that we stop living ours. Connected to this FOMO affliction is “the new OCD” Obsessive Comparative Disorder. This is the compulsion to constantly compare ourselves with others, producing unwanted thoughts and feelings that drive us to depression, consumption, anxiety, and all-around joyous discontent. Comparing ourselves to others is not a new phenomenon; it has been a part of man’s downfall since the beginning of time. It’s what led Eve to take the forbidden fruit and their children to fight and the first murder. It’s also what led the Israelites to the disastrous desire to be like other nations and have kings, 1 Samuel 8:4-7 “So all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah. ⁵ They said to him, “You are old, and your sons do not follow your ways; now appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have. ⁶ But when they said, “Give us a king to lead us,” this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the Lord. ⁷ And the Lord told him: “Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king.”Comparison causes us to take our eyes of Christ and put them on others. It causes us to forget who we are because we forget whose we are. In contrast, Scripture urges us to be content, 1 Timothy 6:6, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.” Comparison moves us from contentment to coveting and ultimately disappointment and despondency. What about you, are you caught in the comparison trap? Do you find yourself constantly comparing, physical appearance, jobs, status, houses, vehicles, families, possessions? The list of things we can compare is not only endless its exhausting. In 2 Corinthians 10:12 Paul called comparing foolish, “We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.” After all we called to become more like Christ not others. So what if we focused our attention and energy more on Christ and less on comparing! 

Proverbs 17:19 – “Anyone who loves to quarrel loves sin”

So, what is the antidote to the four horsemen of negative speech? First, I think we need to treat others how you wish to be treated, with care and compassion. Matthew 7:12, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” When it comes to those closest to you ask yourself, how did you treated them when you first met them and wanted to get to know them, and then treat them that way. When we first met them, we were excited to get to know them and discover their hearts. It’s easy to become complacent and settle for communication that is nothing more than the transfer of information, we are out of milk, the kids have a teacher conference on Tuesday, instead of real heart connection. 

Not only do we need to treat others with dignity and compassion, but we need to be mindful and create a habit of mind. Instead of scanning your environment for negative things about people, scan for the positive things you love about them. As you do don’t just reflect on these positive traits but comment on them. This is what Paul teaches in Philippians 4:8, “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Praise and appreciation for others will go a long way and give you more of what you love about them because that is what you are focusing on. What you focus on is what you will see and what will ultimately expand. Sadly many of us are expanding the negative things not the true, and honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.

Create a lasting friendship. In relationships that stay together for the long haul, friendship is an essential part of the equation. When it comes to marriage friendship is the key. I think there are three ingredients to friendship, which are essential in creating intimacy with your partner. These are positive ways of building a healthy relationship. This also works in creating more meaningful relationships with your children and those close to you. The three ingredients to enhance your friendship with those you love are:

1.Enhance love maps

This is merely knowing your partner, their inner thoughts, dreams, needs, their history, their past, their inner world. Know what stresses out your partner, what excites them, what are their hopes, values, and inspirations. When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, your hopes for the future. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams. But the map you hand your partner is a pencil sketch. The task for new couples is to intentionally be adding details to that map. It needs scale and direction Over the course of a lifetime, you will be constantly adding landmarks, texture, color. A detailed love map brings perspective to the twists and turns that inevitably enter a marriage. So how do you develop your love map? Ask your partner questions, be interested in them. Remember how you acted during your first couple of dates together. The same is true when it comes to your kids or even others, take a genuine interest in them. Ask questions find out what makes their hearts come alive. 

2. Express fondness and admiration

Communicate respect and affection for your partner in small ways. The people who are masters at relating practice kind words, “Thank you,” “I appreciate you,” “I’m proud of you.” Small words of appreciation can’t just be thoughts they need be spoken so that others hear them. Do you know that people like being appreciated for the small things they do, not just for the every once in a while big things? Are you showing your appreciation for others? Try catching your kids doing things right not just wrong and reward them. 

3. Bids for emotional connection

How often do you ignore something those you love say? We need to stop doing this. When those we care about say something, even the smallest of comments, they are making a bid for connection. Even if it is something like, “look, honey, the squirrel is back in the yard.” That is a bid for connection. If you don’t look up from your phone or laptop or book, you are ignoring their attempt for connection and potentially damaging your relationship. When you ignore the bid, you’re essentially turning away from them when you need to be turning towards them. What direction are you facing when it comes to those you love? Are you doing life face to face or are you just shoulder to shoulder? God gave us others so we could connect and cultivate His greatest treasure relationship. What are you investing in, is it just a career or is it connection our greatest need.